The Backup

So, for those of you out there in the world who may happen upon this note, let me just preface it a bit. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am in my mid-twenties, and I study at Brigham Young University. The things I say here have so much to do with the above statements, that I can't say anything else without saying that first. So, there it is. Now, on to "The Backup."

For about four months now, I have been going on consistent dates with the same person. We have held hands and he's even kissed me, which I believe indicates some kind of commitment, though I admit others might not agree. Though this is true, we have discussed the "official" and "exclusive" topics lightly, and I'm pretty sure we're on the same page. We're not. We're not official, which means he is in no means my "boyfriend." We're not "exclusive," which means we're both allowed to date other people. For the first few months, this arrangement was perfectly satisfactory. I wasn't looking to have a boyfriend. Everyone likes to hold hands (or should) and goodnight kisses are very pleasant. Now, however, the tides have turned.

Let's call this young man Hammond, perfectly unconnected to anything but organs (the kind you play, not the kind inside your body.) Hammond goes on lots of dates with a different girl every time. I hardly ever go on dates, because I don't want to be the instigator of every single one. Don't get me wrong. I am incredibly social, I have lots of friends, I do fun things and am a fun person. Yesterday, another young man expressed his astonishment at the fact that I wasn't engaged because I was "legit" (a word hardly in my vernacular.) But, dear reader (if any), I am a girl. I get jealous. I am sick of being the backup plan.

Here's the normal order of events: Hammond either asks a girl out, or is lined up with one. She says yes, and then somewhere along the way (usually on the day of the date) said girl backs out. At this point, Hammond is left dateless. Panic would usually set in, but not for him. Why? Because backup plan Lyndi is always available.

I planned it that way for a reason. I am always available in the evenings because I like to have evenings free. Of course, if I don't have a date, there is always something to do. Monday is Family Home Evening (an officially designated activity night by my Church, focused on strengthening the home and family, or in my case, friendships and wards-- a name for specific units of the Church.) Tuesday is Movie Night, sometimes I go out with my roommates, and sometimes I watch one by myself (which I actually thoroughly enjoy). Wednesday is Game Night. Last week my best friend and I went to the Nickelcade and then played some games on the Wii. Thursday is Institute, a Church educational class focused on bringing young, single adults together to discuss and study scriptural canon. Refreshments and socializing are provided and encouraged, respectively. Finally, as with any normal young adult, Friday and Saturday night are filled in with parties, athletic events, and other engaging activities with the clear understanding that if one gets asked out on a date, one says yes and bags all other plans, as long as the date is pleasing to the one being asked. I feel very clever and well prepared in my planning. This way, I always have something to do, but if someone offers a meaningful connection, I am definitely open to accept.

Hammond must have picked up on my system. In the normal order of events, where panic should set in, he is calm and reserved. He's got a backup plan. Me. Somehow, he knows I am available and that I am still interested enough to drop whatever plans I may have, which often are 100% droppable. Unfortunately for him, the interest is waning. The time for availability has passed. My needs and desires have changed. My evenings are free, but I want them to be filled. I would like the days to be sweetened by someone who wants to share his day with me. Sometimes Hammond will text me randomly. I love it. I feel that at those times, whether the message has anything to do with me or not, that he cared enough to share it. I'm a simple soul. Elaborate exhibitions of affection mean less than sincere sentiments. Please don't misunderstand! They mean a great deal! I wish that there were some every now and then, but the consistent, honest, and dependable thought, word, or action means more than any parade, firework show, roller coaster ride, or perfect picnic in the park. If Hammond would think of me first, rather than waiting for the very last minute and saving himself the embarrassment of going to a group date alone, it would mean more than me just going along for the ride. I feel like that's what it has been. He goes and I come along for the ride. I feel bad for making him spend his money on me. It seems to me that he really isn't that interested, unless there isn't anyone else. It makes me think of those silly sayings, "I wouldn't marry you if you were the last person on earth!" Well, he probably would, but only if I really was the last person on earth.

I am NOT desperate to get married. I am not worried that it won't happen when it's supposed to. I am not miserable, or hopeless, or totally focused on my dating/social life. I'm just sick of being the eternal backup plan. Is it wrong to want someone who will commit to me, and only me?

Scripture Study

This morning I read Moroni chapter 8 for my scripture study. I served a Mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Germany and Austria, and so I try to keep up on my German by reading from the Scriptures in German. I have been studying repentance and how those that repent come unto Christ, and eventually will come back into the presence of God. It is amazing to me that in the last three chapters of The Book of Mormon, there are examples of this principle that I have never made this connection with before. How many hundreds of times have I read the Book of Mormon?! I can't even count them. But this is what those verses said today. German first, then English:

Moroni 8:25, 26

"25 Und die erste Frucht der ^aUmkehr ist die ^bTaufe; und die Taufe kommt aus dem Glauben, um die Gebote zu erfüllen; und die Erfüllung der Gebote bringt ^cSündenvergebung;

26 und die Sündenvergebung bringt ^aSanftmut und Herzensdemut; und auf Sanftmut und Herzensdemut hin kommt der Besuch des ^bHeiligen Geistes, und dieser ^cTröster erfüllt mit^dHoffnung und vollkommener ^eLiebe, und diese Liebe harrt durch^fEifer im ^gGebet aus, bis das Ende kommt, da alle ^hHeiligen bei Gott wohnen werden."

Moroni 8:25-26

25 And the first fruits of ^arepentance is ^bbaptism; and baptism cometh by faith unto the fulfilling the commandments; and the fulfilling the commandments bringeth ^cremission of sins;

26 And the remission of sins bringeth ^ameekness, and lowliness of heart; and because of meekness and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the ^bHoly Ghost, which ^cComforter ^dfilleth with hope and perfect ^elove, which love endureth by ^fdiligence unto^gprayer, until the end shall come, when all the ^hsaints shall dwell with God."

Isn't it amazing? It describes the whole process of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Before we're baptized by proper, restored, priesthood authority we must have faith. We then repent and the sweet fruit of that repentance is baptism. Our sins are remitted, we are forgiven and made clean through the Holy Ghost's confirmation of the Atonement of Christ. We can keep the Holy Ghost constantly with us as we are diligent, praying always, and enduring to the end, when we will live (dwell) with God. That is the Gospel! We are never re-baptized, but we can renew baptismal covenants every week as we partake of the sacrament. We can remain worthy of the Gift of the Holy Ghost given to us in a priesthood ordinance of Confirmation after baptism. We keep commandments, we exercise faith, we repent, we pray, we serve, we love, we make further covenants and remaining faithful to those covenants, the Lord will bless us. It's beautiful. :) Check it out. Make some connections of your own. LDS.org

2 February 2012

It's been a long day and I'm sitting down at my computer, researching geisha wig construction for the spring opera, "The Mikado." My roommate comes in after having been gone for two days and offers a vibrant hello. I muster a response after a straight 9 hours on campus on 6 hours of sleep, looking at at least 4 more hours of homework before bed. (I thrive on sleep, and without it, life is MUCH more difficult.) I thought my response sufficed, because I thought it could clearly be seen that I was busy. The roommate comes in and throws her arms around me, kisses me on the cheek and says, "What's wrong?!" as if my mother had just died. Does something have to be wrong just because I have no energy to describe what is right? It's been a good day. I've been busy, productive, and prepared. I'm preparing for another day after I finally managed to get some food in my grumbly and ever-shrinking belly. Nothing is wrong, but leave me alone because your suggestion has struck a sore nerve called "I have to do this all over again tomorrow."

Roommate, should you ever read this, know that I love you. I had a great day. I didn't respond to your greeting in kind because I wanted so badly to finish my project and play with you guilt free.

Everyone else, just because someone doesn't meet your expectations doesn't mean they're depressed, angry, or upset in any way. Leave them alone and get over yourself. The world doesn't revolve around either of you.

Good night.

ps. Don't ever try to make a geisha wigs for an opera in less than a million hours or with less than $2500 if you've never done it before. It's craziness!